Spill...

A mess. It's all a mess.

2011-05-17T00:21:00.000+08:00

To realise that entire topic & structure of what I was going to blog about tonight has completely disappeared from my mind can only mean one thing, I wasn't meant to write about it. Nonetheless, I have rediscovered an appetite for blogging once again. & I do actually have someone to thank for that.

The past week has been possibly one of the most intense of emotional roller-coasters that I've been on and this is not due to just one person or situation but rather much, a series of unfortunate events really.

But such is the wasted opportunity to type out what I had been feeling,
the moment has left. & so, I have updated my background.

Enjoy.
I'm off to have some 'me-time'; I shall be back.

xxx kim.

Acting assignment?!

2011-05-15T16:02:00.001+08:00

Mum says that I should take this as the biggest acting assignment of my life... I told her this is one experience that the pay check is definitely not worth it.

Being accused as being useless, arrogant, ignorant & someone who uses people (& by her of all people!), I'm left reeling in this roll of vicious words that I want to throw back at her... But I won't. Instead, I swallow that anger & try to take something out of all those cutting words. & I just find myself overwhelmed in sadness & disbelief that this is the very woman who brought me up & taught me a great deal about life. To describe this experience as being 'hurtful' doesn't even begin to express how much turmoil it is truly causing me.

I've heard you all tell me: Just ignore her Kim, it's fine. It doesn't mean anything. But you know what? It does. & it does because I still love her & respect her for all that she is & has become after all these years.

& as far as being an 'acting experience'? I don't remember a time that I have ever used these emotions in any sort of moments... They were far too terrifying & raw for me to even experience it a first time through, let alone to call on it over & over again. It's madness. I've married myself to an insane art, & as much as I love, live & breathe it. It scares me.

If there's one thing this on-going ordeal has thought me & inspired me to do, it is to promise myself that I would never let myself hurt anyone else in that same degrading, damaging fashion.

I will grow from this. I have to...
... I just wish people in the industry would see me as more than just 'the young one' who doesn't know anything. But that's another battle & another story for another day.

Xxx Kim

the only thing we should cry over are the beautiful things...

2011-05-11T01:05:00.000+08:00

At the end of the day..

2011-05-11T00:51:00.000+08:00

Despite the heartache in moments of hurt & self revelation,
it's through those moments of choices & the usage of wrong words,
it is the realization of such things that forces us to grow;
that is the moment that we realise that we need to grow...
as we find out, that everything is really nothing quite like it seems.

That hunger to know more,
to find more,
to feel more...

I'm stuck. Terrified & unable to talk.

I speak in tongues that I myself, are unable to unravel & decipher.
What is to become of such nights,
Where I am unable to articulate to you what I've learnt,
because I believed that you would understand.
That I meant more than just that.

I find myself asking questions that I have no answers to...
I find myself disappointed at myself.
I fear that disappointment. & I start to wonder...
...doesn't anyone else feel that too.
& if so, why do we always feel so alone?

I'm out in this vast space of the internet,
searching for some comfort.
& at the end of the day,
I realise that I will always find salvation in dance.

library blues.

2011-03-20T16:54:00.000+08:00

I do love esplanade library, believe me I do.

What I'm not a big fan of, is having to sit here and try to choke out essays in which I don't feel like writing. Not that I'm lazy (okay, maybe a bit..) but also due to the fact that I don't feel inspired. Not at all. Which is strange, for someone like me, who seems to find amusement and beauty in the most random of situations.

I suppose I would have to pin it down to all the stuff that's been happening at home & in life. Granted there's the good and bad but somehow, the bad seems to have a knack of finding its way into my immediate sub-conscious. Least the good stuff is keeping me remotely sane for now.

Bee is reading another one of his guitar mags, thinking that my constant typing is a result of me being able to think of what to say to NAC. I don't reckon he'll be too happy to read this post on my blog...heh. Sorry, Bee. Rawr, I wish it wasn't so hard to translate what I wanna do into black & white. I really wish I was a more fluent, efficient writer. :( & I wish those mozzies from the Roof Top hadn't found me so yummy. BOO to nasty bites... what a pain.

On a completely irrelevant side note,
I think I need anger management classes. or just to perfect my 'neutral' face.

xxx kim

Chatter...

2011-03-18T15:27:00.001+08:00

Chatter, chatter.
Grumble, grumble, grumble.
Titter, titter, titter.
NAG, NAG, NAG.
All the yelling, yammering & screaming,
Makes one wonder,

'Bloody hell, when is it going to end?!'

- an incredibly vexed Kim.

BBDC two mornings in a row

2011-03-18T15:25:00.001+08:00

So, here I am sat in BBDC (Bukit Batok Driving Centre) awaiting the chance to finally pass the dreaded evaluation that I've been trying to avoid! Seriously, getting the 89% & a big, FAT, red 'FAILED' the last time, was severely depressing. Hopefully I'll be able to get it right this time.

I've been really really uptight & wound up these past few months and I think you could say that i have been border-lining frigid & boring on so many aspects of my life. I guess that life's been pretty much nothing but a whole bundle of nerves, tied up so tight on top of being so sensibly weaved. but could blame me? I've been so ridiculously busy with so many things that even I look back on these moments and think: WTF, I must have been nuts.

Isn't it amazing that I still haven't slowed down despite of everything. Hahahaha. I'm so totally asking for my stress levels to sky rocket with everything. But least I have this one thing to smile at, even if it's just for now. :)

Time for evaluation. Good luck to me! Haha.

Xxx kim

Matters of the heart

2011-03-17T12:15:00.001+08:00

Nothing is more comforting than the ability to come to terms with one self with regards to the matters of one's heart. Well, or any psychological worries and doubts to be honest.

Clarity of mind is coming, slowly but surely. Time has turned from a long-time foe to a steady ally & companion.

To know I'm special, that he cares as much as I do; it's more than enough.

I couldn't ask for more.
I'm content.

I hope this sense of euphoria stays. :)

Here's a toast to the good days,
May they cancel out our doubts and unfulfilling moments in life.

Xxx Kim

Another one of those moments of inspiration

2011-03-17T12:08:00.001+08:00

Musings on a Saturday morning.

Family, women, power; love.

What would you do for love?
Can you place a price tag on love?
Can you risk that sacrifice needed to make a difference?
How much would you value the love of family over oneself?

How does one become selfless?
Does an individual even crave such a lofty, ambitious goal to be as such.

Is there such thing as living and thriving for the greater good?

I've been thoroughly inspired by the production of 'Emily of Emerald Hill' directed by Glen Goi, written my Stella Kon, starring Ivan Heng. From the stunning minimalistic white box set, fantastical use of multimedia, raw truth of the language & the basic theatrics, I was gripped, reeled in & completely hooked by the end. No words could ever explain that rush of adrenaline & euphoria that I felt from the show. The story was one that got my heart reeling & left my mind dizzy with such question & an increasing complex reel of emotions.

I'm in love with Emily.

Despite all that is going on in my life, I feel like I've been reminded of the sacrifice that has been made by my mother & my gran. It makes me think twice about what they do and why they do it. I'm trying to be the better daughter, the better person. It's going to take a while.

Adeeb, that's going to be us one day. I promise.

Xxxx Kim.

Just a thought.

2011-03-15T08:32:00.001+08:00

Have you ever spent the night debating the price of your dreams and aspirations... Cause that's all ive been doing recently. And its brought up some incredibly difficult questions that i havent beeb able to answer at all.

What happens if the cost of living out our deepest desires and passion is too much to bear? Do we give up? And what if this dream of ours can happen, but at the expense of those around us? Could we live with ourselves knowing that?

Sacrifice may be a vital ingredient for the road to success but ultimately I've come to realize that the true sacrifice can only be made because it's within our morals to allow them to be used. I don't think that I could ever sacrifice the happiness and peace in my family for anything in the world because I love them too much. But having to deal with the heartbreak of not realizing a dream that I've had for over a decade of my life.... It's truly an awful feeling. A heartbreak of an entirely different level.

Yet, I've recently also come to experience comfort in the sorrow that I've been going through. My suffering & problems are but an indication of my humanity and my ability & want be a good daughter; least the best one I can strive to be.

I can say that my grades for my a levels were nothing but reflective of what effort and time I had spent on it. Teaching drama and MJC the past few weeks has taught me a lot, though thats another revelation for another day. But at the end of the day, I've realized that our options are only as limited as we make them out to be... I'm expanding my horizons. & I'm going to take my time to allow myself to grow into a citizen of the world that my parents are proud of.

I will become someone that I am proud of. I feel that I'm growing up bit by bit, and boy is it a glorious feeling.

"isn't it great to know a lot, and a little bit not." - Red Riding Hood, 'Into the Woods'

Xxxx Kim

Along the Way Musings.

2011-03-12T08:11:00.000+08:00

hello from the land down under.

2011-01-11T09:06:00.001+08:00

It really doesn't bother me much that no one comes here to read my whining but I still feel the need to keep my blog going, seeing how it's the only means in which I still write. The weather is beautiful & my teachers have been absolute lovelies. I'm having most of my classes in the morning for the next few weeks so I have the afternoons & evenings off to rehearse and read. Currently have 8 books on Spanish Dance & Flamenco in my room waiting to be plowed through.. I honestly can't wait.

On the emotions front, I can't really say that I'm fabulous but I think that these 6 weeks away from everything will give me the chance to really grow up and settle all that needs to be settled. Vicky's right, this 6 weeks is going to make a different, I really hope it does.

Anyway, it's off to class.
more tonight I guess.

<3 xxx kim

and she's off.

2010-12-26T02:45:00.002+08:00

to snowy mountains & everything that is beautiful.

I can't believe the pretty shitty state of the airport internet. ha.
Christmas & the eve was the ultimate & I'm to grateful for every fleeting moment. My family, my friends & everyone else who has helped me along the way, I love you. Thank you for a fabulous 2010.

Have a kickass New Year folks...

Remember to take that extra shot & steal that extra kiss for me won't you?

See y'all in 2011. <3

x x xx kim

shattered.

2010-12-22T00:02:00.000+08:00

We were inseparable, where have those days gone.
All I'm left with are fleeting memories & fading photographs.
I miss you more with each day.
Funny how time has placed this wedge between us.
Distance has created a hole.

Perhaps it was inevitable...
Doesn't stop it from hurting.

still a classic.

2010-12-18T23:41:00.000+08:00

I've just about almost forgotten how much I love this song.

I am.

You are.

We are.

Without a doubt. Don't forget it. <3>

xxxkim

annnnd... we're back!

2010-12-11T00:47:00.000+08:00

Hello.

So, finally, the lovely A levels have passed & I've been busy trying to get my life back together. :)
I'm really bummed that I wont be able to go see DAVID GUETTA tonight like I initially planned to a couple of months back but unfortunately, it wouldn't be nice to turn up for the recital partially hung over. I'm trying to not think about it but I keep getting the feeling like I'm going to miss the biggest party of the year, and that undoubtedly, SUCKS. But, I have to stay happy cause I'm going to be working backstage... with people I love. Wow, this is actually hard. Silly as it may seem...

My trash bag count is now at 8 & counting... I've barely began to clear my things too! How ridiculously exciting.

Books I've read this past week:
The Odd Couple by Neil Simon
the five people you meet in heaven by Mitch Albom
Love, Rosie by Cecelia Ahern
Saving Fish from Drowning by Amy Tan

Books I'm working through (aka sitting on my shelf waiting to be finished):
The Colour Purple by Alice Walker
The Crucible by Arthur Miller
The Liar by Stephen Fry
Blue Heart by Caryl Churchill
The Importance of Being Earnest by Oscar Wilde
Tess of the D'urbervilles by Thomas Hardy
The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards

I still have A LOT more books that are hidden away in my lovely blue bookshelf that I will soon work my way through as soon as I can. Gosh, I cannot wait. Oooh, Olly Murs on the radio, it's a good sign. (:

Goodnight folks!

xxxkim

nom

2010-11-27T00:27:00.000+08:00

Once again,

I have left my blog rather vacant on an unfortunate post of teenage angst & I do apologise. Now that pretty much all my A level papers are out of the way, I think it's time to revive this page a wee bit, starting with a brand new look that will be coming to you by the 3rd of December. I am honestly rather tired of these random breaks between my papers. More than ever, I want to just get it OVER & DONE, but alas, Cambridge hates us 'theatre types'.

Plans for post-examinations are well on it's way & it's safe to say that I shall be nice and occupied all the way till about April for now. I'm crossing my fingers for the university applications and all those sort of shenanigans that may obstruct my path in 2011. I shall be flying to Yunan/Kunming late December & then spending majority of January & February in Perth dancing. I can't wait.

That's all for now really.

xxxxxx

2010-11-10T21:46:00.000+08:00

I didn't expect to see you.

Those few days that I hope I would.... I wish I never did.

You brought out a side of me I hope to bury for the rest of my life.

& I dont know why I was so hurt,

but it really affected me on so many bloody levels.

And I bet that you don't know,

neither do you care.

Yet, I don't hate you for it,

I hate myself for allowing it to happen.

I am so angry at myself,

and really know that I shouldn't.

But it's FUCKING HARD.

Just some food for thought

2010-11-07T22:49:00.000+08:00

Saw a man eat someone else's scraps today while having breakfast with the family.
He had a bottle of water to "sanitize" the food before he devoured it. & it took him a grand total of... well, 3 min to finish every last scrap. It got me thinking of a couple of things...

Firstly, how people tend to overlook things, take things for granted. Made me wonder if I was taking the people around me for granted the same way this man has been forsaken. There was this look of shame when he sat on that table, his shifty glances was what caught my eye... & I don't think anyone else noticed.

Secondly, it made me consider this issue on pride, & how it really is our demise at times. I can honestly say that I have let my pride dictate my decisions & more often, I find that need to swallow my pride to do what's right. I start to wonder if this man would have taken money if someone had offered it to him, whether if I were in that position, I would accept the money? It made me realise how little I know about hardship & really, I think my world view is so dastardly narrow in comparison to some.

Thirdly, how I need to be more observant & concise about what I say or do... to be able to empathize & sympathize to what is going around me. To constantly think about the consequences to my actions for I could easily end up in that position one day, honestly, we all could. I felt so humbled by that whole 3 minutes, I wish I had done something. But, what could I have really done to help?

It's really gotten me wondering about how I was to be the best actor I can be.

I borrowed the play "Spring Awakening" by Frank Wedekind, translated by Ted Hughes (honestly, just out of curiousity during one of my 'breaks') & I devoured the entire play in an hours' reading. I was utterly captivated by it. The plot, the characters, the intensity of each line the leaped out at me, the gripping lines of Moritz Steifel as he utters his last sentences, the innocence of Wendla Bergman utters "I haven't done anything to you", the frustration I feel when the scene of Melchior Gabor's inquiry plays out. The play is so beautiful, truly it is.

Will I ever be able to give these plays justice?

I used to be terrified of pushing my boundaries but more than ever, I'm willing to try.
I want to do the work I reproduce justice.
I want to be the best that I can be at every given opportunity..
Time to shy away from my insecurities and to embrace every chance I get;
cherish every lesson learnt.
It's going to be bloody tough.. but I'm determined to make it happen.

A levels start tomorrow,
I can only look forward.
Press on my dearest friends.

xxxkim

Sisters.

2010-10-22T00:45:00.000+08:00

I don't understand them.
Do something decent & get snapped at?

Seriously don't get it.

I'm dropping this stupid red thing, seriously, I've been delusional.
Need to re-prioritise.

First up, auditions, then As... then whatever that will follow.

xx

JOYEE.

2010-10-19T17:00:00.000+08:00

She's that fabulous photographer who takes wonderful pictures of me & I love her insanely.
She can actually read my mind sometimes. I swear.

here's the deal

2010-10-17T13:21:00.000+08:00

i'm not going to be rich,
i'm not going to have kids,
i'm not getting married
& i won't have a steady income.

& guess what cow?

I don't fucking care.

She can go take her 'degree'...
I don't care that she has money.
For fuck sake, least me & my mates have got passion.
So don't you bloody start comparing them to her.

She fucked up..
They won't.

She went into it cause she had no option, my friends have chosen their line, and desire to be part of something greater than monetary gains. And I am fucking proud of them to be doing so. & on top of it all, don't make excuses for her mistakes; make it seem better than it is. I would respect her a fuck load more if she owned up to screwing up her grades & still fighting for what she wants. Settling for second best out of convenience and then YOU having to make excuses for her & putting down my career choice. Sorry mum, I won't stand for such nonsense. Not even from the COW. I will bear the consequences this time round. It's too much.

Blasted cows.

xxxkim

She's my voice of reason

2010-10-13T11:02:00.000+08:00

She really gets to me,
That silly silly cow.
She taunts and she moans and she yaks at us all day long.
Saying things that make no sense,
As she's constantly finding reasons just to make a sound.

She blabbers about politics, the weather & the news,
She gossips about everybody;
to her, she's never wrong.
And boy does she complain
this silly silly cow,
about every thing that passes her by...
Just so that everyone will hear her calls

Her bragging is of a different calibre
It's really quite a scam.
She seems to know a lot.
Though in reality,
Her 'knowledge' equates to...
Naught.
Her skills & stories are bountiful
Yet, evidence is scarce.
She grates on nerves & steps on toes
And doesn't seem to care.

Yet,
She's the voice of reason
This silly silly old cow,
For behind the impatience & spiteful words
Lies a lonely heart.
Her words hold truths that we try to ignore.
She may fib & tell tales but
There's are messages that are as clear as day.
Warnings that cut, & cause much damage and pain.

Yet, we are young,
And that is our fault.
For its clear that its our youth & energy that strikes at the core...

This old heart,
Who's beating grows slower yet,
Is a heart who has suffered & bled.
She has so much love
So much knowledge.
Yet, so painful to see how
She refuses to embrace
Her beauty & her grace.
For time & age has become her enemy,
One she cannot erase.

She's given me a lot this old cow,
I can only pray for patience and a filter that will keep her pure in my heart.
For she's truly my voice of reason,
My true supporter & greatest fan.
This silly silly cow,
Whom I can't help but adore.
No matter what she says,
No matter what she claims,
For I will always admire her,
& love her.

She's my voice my reason,
She's really quite grand,
Cause at the end of the day,
She's my gran.

i have a soft spot for musicans.

2010-10-01T23:17:00.000+08:00

...especially if they look so gorgeous.

Wow.

:)

xxxxkim

reflective of my mood today...

2010-09-30T22:43:00.000+08:00

It's like a bad radio hit on repeat.
There's too much heat,
so much that we can barely breathe.
It seems like nothing is going to push through...
But deep inside the corners of my mind lingers:

hope, faith & love.
(yes, I've been doing revision on Absurd Theatre. & I love it.)

It's no longer just about me,
I will be strong for my friends, my teachers & my family.
I'm not about to lose my head & bring you down with me;
no one deserves such a thing.
I want to be the one to hold on tight so we all make it to the surface.

It's not just about me.
It's hard to be selfless,
It's hard being a good person.
But I'm trying.

I need to keep reminding myself about that.

I will be the best that I can be & not regret. I cannot. I will not.

xxxkim

Honestly,

2010-09-25T01:21:00.000+08:00

really, really tired & I'm lapsing again.

Fudge...

Did you know:

Rollarcoasters have never really been my thing.

xxxkim  

writing? perhaps.

2010-09-24T10:02:00.000+08:00

she saw the tremors &yet thought nothing of them,
far too caught up in the buzz and the scorching heat.
though the signs were clear as day..
she never thought to stop bloody swaying.

crackle, fizzle....fizzle......pop!

there it was, that final swig
and the hoard of chaos that closely followed
then, there was silence; of the earth-shattering sort
while the remnants of sticky sweet poison clung to the walls.
she went down on her knees once again
& fled from the scene
piecing back this baby was most definitely going to be a bitch.

today's post...

2010-09-24T01:41:00.000+08:00

is going to be me musing about friendships &.. stuffed animals.

I know I just had a trip to see animals yesterday and I should really be posting pictures of them but I felt this was more important. I will post the animal pictures up soon though; am quite proud of some of the shots.

My trip to the zoo with this bunch of crazy, wacky, amazingly chilled group of people really made me realise how fortunate I am: to have such wonderful friends to share amazing memories with. Honestly, yesterday's trip to the zoo was probably the most un-artsy related fun that I had all year... & that's saying a lot. I got to really go crazy with my photos & I had a blast. I was reminded of what it was like to be excited over things like animals & orangutan stirrers. I felt youthful and alive... something I kinda ditched the moment I passed my orientation days. Let's face it, as much as the school has allowed me to grow, I realised how much I've missed as well.

I mean, I spent practically the entire day snuggled up under the duvet in my cold room with my newly acquired friend, Mambo. Mambo is a soft-toy King Penguin who I've fallen in love with and I am prepared to admit that I had a conversation with him too... something I haven't done in years. It's childish and perhaps juvenile on so many levels but it was so comforting. I've been so caught up with trying to be sensible & remotely successful at life that I've forgotten what it's like to indulge in these rare childish refrains. I remember what it was like to cry to my softtoys as a girl; to confide in them, showering them with love & soft whispers of my 'deepest' secrets. I loved every single moment of it. I miss being that innocent young girl. As strange as it may sound (considering I'm only going to be 18 in 3 weeks), it's really been a long time for me. Having to grow up really quickly from a young age really has it's pros & cons.

Besides that, I've touched base with my muse & also made a new friend. Reconnecting with Ben has been one of the best things thathas happened to me over the last 6 months... That man is truly one-of-a-kind. Spending time with him opens up so much for me, it's filled soul-bearing moments followed by just pure happiness in the music we revel in. I feel almost intoxicated with emotions that I've forgotten or lost. It's a friendship that never ceases to give me hope and love. And I'm not afraid to be mushy about it. He's an amazing man who inspires me to the very core. I wish I could be half as apt as him in displaying my emotions in writing.
He's made me want to write again...
It's really something.
He's really something.

I really am in no position to complain about anything much to be honest..
& at this point, I can truly say:
I'm content.

"Go easy on yourself..." he said.

"Well, I'm going to try."

xxxkim

PRELIMS... FINITO.

2010-09-22T01:20:00.001+08:00

So, after today's lit paper...

Our prelims were finally over.

Today's post is in pictures and captions :)

Enjoy!

Amazing sparkler times @ theesplanade rooftop.

TOMORROW MORNING!! <3

Greenpig loving till the night! :)

Time for the SUN with miss koo on friday <3

Long awaited reunion with Dee & company on Sat <3

one of the best pictures of the night :)
Note the exhaustion but utter relief spelt on our faces!

That's the plans so far :) lots of errands and cleaning up to do in between but I'm just going to take the week as it unfolds onto me. haha. Already got gran questioning my going to the zoo.. ptff. TO SEE THE ANIMALS... Duh? Sleep time :) I can't wait for the week to just unleash itself.

Happy mooncake festival folks!

xxxxkim

oh no. i think i'm in love with vince! :O

2010-09-20T22:32:00.003+08:00

I know, I'm deviating from Spenc's type but hey! dateh's toy is pretty dang sexy & BOY CAN HE SING!(paul... not vince. just clearing that up you know?) You should check out his other videos. The violin ones with choi are cute. :) Yes, I totally am on first name basis with these guys you know? (i wish!) ah... if only.

(I apologise in advance for the seemingly randomness of the next section. I like my code names. I make cool code names. seriously. don't laugh.)

On other news,
The dodo has emerged from his hiding place & he does not sympathise with me whatsoever. ASS!
But i still love that evil twit. :) Meeting him on wednesday night for something special (yay!) So it's bonding time of the green pigs! Whooooooo~ But, this does mean that dodo has now hit the meerkat status as such. Like me really. UPGRADE! Anyway, deedee has dubbed me the "little baby penguin" OH OH! Someone called me a cow.
Wait, that was my sister... Bitch.
hahaha.

I'm in an animal mood because we're going to the zoo on WEDNESDAY where we will camwhore with the sexy BIG CATS and baby penguins (& the occasional Adeeb of course). I personally cannot wait for 5pm tomorrow. It's going to be SEXY...YESSS! & 2mic+1 will be having their FIRST EVER meeting tomorrow. I'm crossing my fingers for this to work out. seriously. cause it has to. Or we're dead. hahahaha. No, seriously.Plus 09A12 dinner with mooncake & sparklers on top of esplanade.. our 'usual' hangout :D It's going to be SICK! haha.

I'm cracking.
I mean my bones, they keep cracking.. Need. To. Stop!
I think I might be getting old. :/
OH NOO!

oh well. :)
leave a shoutout. show the love <3
xxxxkim

P.S: does anyone even know what i'm talking about anymore? hahahaha. emails to fanni, lexi, jezza, markie, nicole & lollo. damn it. this weekend. i swear. <3 OH OH OH. HOW MANY ANIMALS DID I MENTION IN TODAY'S POST? hahahaha :D

I Love Spenc.

2010-09-20T00:08:00.000+08:00

Yes, Spenc is my guitar.

It's short for Spencer.

But way cooler.

I love Spenc cause he's always there..

...even if he hurts my fingers when I play with him.

Not my fault he's so hard to play with.

I love you Spenc.

We're getting married. :)

He's perfect.

And he'll never cheat, or ever leave me.

xxxkim

P.S: Yes, I just cam-whored with my guitar.

apologies. from me.

2010-09-19T02:18:00.001+08:00

It takes me approximately 10min to learn the melody of a song,
20min to memorise the words ,
20min to more or less sort it out technically.
That’s about 50min to get the skeleton with a bit of flesh…

…. WHY THE HELL CAN I NOT DO IT FOR MY SUBJECTS? :/

It's been a rough weekend & I still can't sleep. And it really frustrating & I don't really want to do anything but curl up and sleep but it's not coming. I'm sat here trying to play something, nothing is coming. Absolutely nothing. & I really need to get things straight. Now.

Alevels, Theatre, Singing, Acting, Dancing...
I need to get my head straight. After tonight.

I'm throwing myself into my work, and my studies and everything that matter. I've got priorities & I'm not going to lose sight anymore.

I'll be back to normal.
I promise.

xxxkim

WARNING: angry post.

2010-09-18T00:08:00.000+08:00

.

Boys,
Don't you dare go round treating people like they're some easy slag you can bag and throw.
If there's one thing I can't stand.. is when guys think they can do whatever they want and disrespect a girl.
We are girls, we deserve love & respect.
Not your f*cking hormones.

Want some action, it's called porn and your hand.
Go figure.

Seriously,
Not cool.
xxxkim

EIGHT! Social/Work Agenda planning in 'full' swing.

2010-09-16T01:01:00.000+08:00

Day8-
Morning: Ham, Cheese,Onion Omelette
Cup of Tea
Afternoon:Chicken Rice with Egg
Hot Tea
Packet of apples
Jelly from Fruit Store :)
Dinner: Can of V8 Juice
Rice & Gran's curry
Bowl of Salted Veg Soup
Another box of MANGOS.

Dinner wasn't half as satisfying as I hoped for seeing how damn hungry I felt after the paper. Serves me right for eating lunch at 11.20am really. :(
Least I've got dinner lined up with the one and only Miss Koo. Gosh it's been truly AGES since I've sat down and caught up with her. Sushi dinner tomorrow night.. but before any of that, TSD tomorrow. Gonna head into school early do get some studying done seeing how I've wasting my time away on this laptop being a pirate. Nonetheless, I've got good music now. Artists and bands courtesy of a certain cricket. haha. Oh I make myself laugh. Funny how it's the people that I mention on these blogs that never read it. Lazy sods.

BUT,
these are the people who receive 10 page long emails from me so, I reckon they would have had enough of my persistent yammering. I felt that the 2 papers today went as well as they could.. I really was having fun with Lurie... spent a bit too much time. So much so that I almost had to forgo poor ole' Richard.

Busy with trying to tie everything in so that I can actually do productive things with my life after A levels. I can almost feel people giving me the disapproving look when I was mentioning such things before the Lit paper. Yes, I know it's not supposed to be priority but I can't help but be excited. Plus, it really gives me something to look forward to after this chapter. My school related Agenda is pretty straight forward, the only tricky bit being UCAS applications. Either than that, it's just essays and notes and then more essays and more notes....

.. honestly, how mundane is that cycle? Love for learning aside, it's too monotonous for me.

On my non-scholastic agenda:
Reply all the damn emails I OWE people; Picking out song for upcoming performance; get in touch with Lou, Eunice, Owen & all the friends I've been neglecting; nail buds theatre audition; have a kick ass night-out for my 18th; get into shape for dancing in Perth; video audition tapes for Royal Scottish Academy of Music and Drama & Mountview (& cross my fingers that Central will give me a chance); sort out details for collaborations happening next year; Shanghai, England or NYC in Summer? ...

Of course the list is in no particular order.. sorta.
& No worries, the list is most definitely expanding.
Now isn't that a wee bit more exciting?

Can't bloody wait.

xxxxkim

P.S: HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY CURRY <3
Hope you're partying up your 18th in WATERLOO. Bloody bitch.. you're ALREADY in uni. I love you to bits & pieces. Now go out there and get some ASS won't you hun? Take a shot for me won't you.. :) x

BB for life. hahahah. <3

WOW, they weren't kidding about aging eh? ;)

Always stuffing our faces... COOKIES. I love you. :)

Day 7 FOOD & something from Coetzee.

2010-09-14T22:49:00.001+08:00

Day7
Morning:
Sausage Mcmuffin with Egg
Tea
Hashbrown
Afternoon:
Regular White Chocolate Latte
Chicken Bolognaise Fusilli (sp?)
YaKun Ice Lemon Tea
Dinner:
1/4 bowl rice
Veg & Pork Chop pieces
1/2 container of MANGO <3

No big updates. Just a bunch of conspiracy theories in the airport and a heck load of studying.
I'm just going to leave a section of Disgrace that really struck me... ah. I've got such a love-hate relationship with this text. It's so beautifully written and it strikes me so hard.

Anyway, here's Coetzee...

"Maybe, for men, hating the woman makes sex more exciting. You are a man, you ought to know. When you have sex with someone strange - when you trap her, hold her down, get her under you, put all your weight on her - isn't it a bit like killing? Pushing the knife in;exiting afterwards, leaving the body behind covered in blood - doesn't it feel like murder, like getting away with murder?" (p.158)

Maybe it's just me, but every time I read Coetzee's work, I can already envision it occuring on a stage (cheesy I know...) and just all the sub-text we bring out in lessons, it's so chilling yet, disturbingly beautiful. Perhaps staging Disgrace would not be an ideal project but heck, it's most definitely a piece of art that is truly compelling. I can't even begin to describe the effects the novel has on me...

Maybe one day I'll produce something that has this sort of effect on people.

Maybe.

xxxkim

Food-log - Day 6 plus a vegetating kim :/

2010-09-14T00:09:00.000+08:00

Morning: Half a ham-onion-romano cheese omelette (courtesy of mummy chan)
& Cup of tea

Afternoon: Rice with veg, chicken and tofu from the lovely malay stall
& apple juice

Dinner: A box of fresh mangos from Thailand
& brown-rice anchovies porridge (eugh!) with meat dish.

Why do I feel like a pig even though I'm not eating as much as i used to. Something is a bit off i tell you.. And i bet it's got to do with the fact that I've become a SLOB. I came back home from today's paper, and maybe it was the build up of fatigue from the past 2 weeks... but I just curled up in bed and vegetated with the likes of John Legend playing through the speakers. ridiculously gross of me. But I think I deserved that short break.

I'm hyperventilating for literature and math on Wednesday. Sigh.
Prelims. NYEHH.

You know sometimes you get that feeling that they've given up on you &
they don't know what to say...
so you put up walls to counter that.

Cos' there's no way in hell you are going to give up...

xxxkim

Food-log - Day 5 & a short update.

2010-09-12T22:57:00.001+08:00

Day 5:
Morning- 2 half boiled eggs
Teh Bing
Bowl of Chinatown porridge

Afternoon- 2 egg prata with curry
Half a Guava
Mini snickers bar

Night- Bowl of weird soup from Food Exhibition
Some small rice ball thing from the same thing.
Herbal Soup from mum
2 mini eggtarts

I swear being at home is wonderful cos there's always 'free food' but bloody hell, I end up eating so damn much! It's shocking really.

Today was a revelation... on many levels. And I feel more comforted about going into prelims and just really doing my best. Honestly, I've never studied so hard before AND it's nice to know my mum will still love me if i royally screw up as long as i've done my best. (:

So, I was going through all my qualifications for my applications and I realised that I really was quite good at school. I wasn't straight A1 student per say but I did pretty damn well all the way through to IGCSEs... I mean what happened after that. I really can't say. Guess it's slightly comforting to know you weren't always that dumb. haha. And, Mum and I realised that I proabably will have to go overseas to do some of my auditions. I also have an audition that I'm not sure I want to go for... It's after prelims and all but still. Rest assured... it's for next year's season. Funny, even my dad was pretty supportive of me going for it.. loudly claiming that I had nothing to lose. It was touching. Been bonding with my eldest sister, over foot massages & cheerleading/X-factor videos. I'm quite happy. I've spent a lot of time with family when I'm not studying this week & I'm kinda liking the isolation actually. Strangely.

Just to amuse you guys,
I found an old report card...

I shit you not folks... I got an A2 for PHYSICS...
Heck, it was my BEST SUBJECT!?!?!?!?!?!
Granted it was Sec 1 and all but.. that's got to be an achievement right?
The E and D7s are just shocking... but IN YOUR FACE PROJECT WORK.
I GOT AN A AT JC! (does weird victory dance)

And in my math handicap-ness now, I wasn't THAT bad at math..... hmm... maybe I COULD have excelled in Science? Strange thought isn't it. Me, artsy-fartsy theatre girl doing well in science? Slightly plausible I suppose considering how I'm not excelling in my Arts subjects at any rate. haha.

Best part,
I don't even remember taking physics in Sec1.
I just remember stealing filter paper from the labs to write letters & my history teacher/co-form hating my guts cause I had long nails to play castenets. haahaha. I know, such a rebel right? Nails... ha. I hated history with her... I remember having a deal with my table mate to take turns highlighting and sleeping in her 2 period lessons. Wow that seems long ago.

Kim the Scientist...

hmmm....

NYEH. :/
hahahaha.

xxxkim

Dance, it's in my soul & it's something I can't let go.

2010-09-11T22:54:00.000+08:00

If you have seen my Facebook & Twitter, you would have realised that I've just gotten back into dancing last week. But it's nothing big, just Company classes, once a week. But, 2 sessions in & it's got me wondering if I should have stuck on as a dancer rather than branching out into singing and acting. It's a different world on so many levels and I really, truly am a dancer at heart. Still, I dont think I would have been able to see dance the way I do now... Believe it or not, being in school now, learning about history and literature, it's all moulding me as a person. I really do appreciate things that I would have never even given a second glance if not for what I've been taught. People always wish that they could go back into time, change things...

But I don't want to. Not anymore.
Life's been tough, but I am who I am today because of everything I've been through.
I really can't think of anything I would have changed.

Jodi's right, I've been giving my friends advice for so damn long...
It's about time I really take it.

I'm trying to really learn how to love myself.
Maybe then,
one day...

Someone will love me for me too. :)

xxxkim

Food-log - Day 3 & Day 4

2010-09-11T22:31:00.000+08:00

Day 3:
Morning:
Large Peach Ice Blended

Afternoon:
Hot Vanilla
Mushroom Strudel
Mini Almond Strudel

Night:
Aston's LemonLimekey Chicken
Potato Salad
Onion Rings
Chicken from zhi cha

Day 4:
Afternoon:
Bowl of ClamChower
Plate of Guava
Half a packet of Chicken Rice
A piece of Spanish Omelette

Night:
Rice with Fish
Cabbage and Egg soup
A piece of potato from Gran's awesome curry

Okay,
I think I need to do something about my eating habits. :/

Food-log - Day 2

2010-09-09T20:35:00.000+08:00

Lunch: mini crossiant & a bowl of lotus root brown rice porridge

Afternoon: Large Double-chocolate Coffee Iceblended, Mushroom pastry thing and a mini Danish from Swissbake

Dinner: Meatball Marinara from Subway

Not half as bad I suppose.. should really cut back on the pastries and bread.

And i should never attempt to type 'Meaningful posts' from now on.
I was re-reading the last blogpost that I typed on my Iphone this after afternoon..
... awful. :(

Oh well.
xxxkim

Do comment, I wanna know what you think :)

2010-09-09T15:51:00.002+08:00

Well, this is response of Justin and Adeeb's post about the type of education we've been receiving as students in singapore and how it really has been an extreme struggle for virtually every kid that goes through it. This post is just my thoughts about life beyond the system and well, my view on life I suppose; not just my 'bitching' about the system. :)

Of course to the brighter ones and the ones who manage to conform and embrace the system, it might be easier in a sense. But it's ultimately the notion of competition that has been instilled within us from a young age. That fear of absolute failure that has really dawned upon us because let's face it, we're pretty much all fighting for places in one of the 3 local universities here. Or even for the limited amount of scholarships to go overseas. Even just applying overseas for those top universities would be a tough time with the quota of probably only 6% of the cohort being international students. And with society demanding that having a degree is merely the pre-requisite, our grades at As have really become a matter of life or death. Pretty disgusting.

And the cruel reality of it all is that, even with the degree that we may get, it's still not good enough. Work places are demanding work experience on top of our degrees, case in point, my sister. Even with a damn degree, she is being offered the same pay she was being offered as a poly graduate!

I understand how this is not applicable specifically to many other sectors of work but I suppose that my point it this... With everytime some one says that As was the hardest thing we ever had to do, I don't really believe them. Cause as a Singaporean in the 21st century, it's no doubt a constant fight and struggle if you don't fit a certain mould. And since we are most definitely filled with ambitions and dreams , it's pretty bleak knowing that to get what we want would probably require some ridiculous prerequisite that we never even thought about or considered... cause all we've been told to do is to mug our lives away just to get the grades. Sucks knowing that even that's not good enough.

So, what is good enough then?
Why do we fight so hard when at the day, nothing seems enough?

I really do ask myself that a lot.

Some say that our generation is spoilt and overambitious..even so, I don't think that should be the only issue right? I mean, we have been so caught up in a whirlwind of non-stop 'education' that honestly, even I feel like I've lost sight of life, and everything else that should matter.

What I reckon? It would be stupid to say 'Screw Society' because well, it's impossible for us to change an entire generation of people's mindsets... at this point at least. Plus, we can't go about life ignoring whats going about us... It'll be so irresponsible.

So, let's live life. To study but not for the sake of it but cos we truly enjoy what we're are reading and absorbing. To understand that the As is extremely important but to just leave it at that. I truly believe that if there was a genuine interest in what we study, it will translate in our papers and stay in our brains.. I like to believe that whatever I learn now is important as a growing global citizen. Cause let's face it, true appreciation of any subject cannot be faked (unless you're a ridiculously amazing writer) and it shows on a person.

So let's fight this system, but within reason.

We can complain and whine but if we want to make that change... It's got to start with us. Our attitudes to life, to how we handle all this crap and come out on top in OUR terms and not the ones that society decides to force upon us.

I believe that if we find passion and love in our lives & really fight for the happiness of us and the people around us, life will become better. It's a bitch that there will always be someone at the bottom but it's believing that even at the bottom, we can make our own tops.

We all love different things & I believe that together, we can make life better bit by bit. But first, we have to learn to fuse pragmatism and passion, not fear failure & truly embrace the notion of trying to be a better person everyday.

So let's live life guys, but just don't be that ignorant person who complains and makes no move for change. Cause I reckon, it would make us just as bad as the people that we complaining about.

No ones perfect, we're only human. So why don't we concentrate on our strengths to make society into one that creates happiness. Definitely easier said than done and possibly ridiculously cheesy but...

It's OUR fight guys... If we truly care, we'll fight right?

Xxxkim

P.S : My disclaimer, it's my personal opinion. I know at the end of the day, we can't make everyone happy (sadly), but we can try... And I believe that in that effort alone, we'll gain something. I know I'm not the brightest student out there getting straight As and I used to complain about how being in JC is ruining my plans for life... but I don't think so anymore. I like to believe that I'm doing all I can to work the system to my advantage... It's the most I can do for now. We can learn something through every experience, it's whether we want to. :)

Food-log - Day 1

2010-09-08T20:38:00.002+08:00

My sisters have been doing it and I thought: well, why not. It'll be a good way for me to keep on top of my apparent lack of exercise. Let's try to keep this going for 30 days no? :)

Late morning: 1 piece of Spanish Omelette (Egg, Onion, Potato), 1/2 glass of Black-current apple juice, 1/4 packet of Sourcream &cheese cheezels,

Afternoon: Large double-shot mocha latte, mini sausage bun from Provence, hand full of chocobabies :)

Night: 1/4 bowl rice, Codfish, Beansprouts, Lotusroot Soup & 2 slices of apple.

Meh. Ate too much today. Haha.

Splurged on stationary & the bakery for my sisters today... Oops.

Mark's very clever, he says I should see my dieting as saving money rather than the actual numbers on the scale cause we tend to spend the most money on food. Can't blame the stressed students though... It does make us happy.

But it does make sense.

xxxkim

In front of me

2010-09-08T15:42:00.002+08:00

'UN Operations from 1988-2000.'
My 'new', less cluttered pencil case,
Two empty brown sugar packets,
A half-empty plastic cup of water,
A stranger who smiled at me,
Her distractingly pretty bright red nails,
'Cute' boy at 1 o'clock...well, until he opened his mouth..
Another stack of history notes ready to be absorbed
My iPhone being retarded because ALL my music is not in there!

Nightmare.

Least there's pretty weather to make up for it. :)

Wow. Smelly boy at in the adjacent table! Makes me want to buy him some deo. Ah. Inhale your mocha latte Kim. Inhale & that rancid smell of sweat will disappear.

I love how coffeebean here allows you to study and gives discounts off their drinks if you're a student:) I've realized how comfortable the dance sweater really is. A lot of things have been falling into place the past few months, not really as planned but it's all still, ultimately, manageable.

I know, I'm not the most fabulously articulate writer out there but I'm trying. Writing here, expressing myself... It's me practicing. :)

Taking TSD, being in VJ, it has solidified my hopes of writing my own play one day. Even if it turns out as trash, it's just something I want to do. I already have scenes floating in my head, scenes sketched out, monologues written but, I still haven't really got it. Guess I'm still looking for the right story to tie it all in. Hopefully life will help me find that story that would express everything I wish to tell an audience.

Ah. I'm getting carried away here. Sorry. :)

What I really need to do... Stop watching dance/musical films in my spare time. I swear I'm addicted. I've watched Streetdance this morning and I have to say, I do prefer it to StepUp3. Call me picky, I actually want to see the dancers and the choreography, not your fancy camera aerobatics that make me feel sickkkk. Hahaha.

I'm downloading CampRock2 (heh. Disney Originals are my guilty pleasure) and I've got a lovely dance documentary, Cabaret and 2 other musical DVDs (Gene Kelly & Fred Astaire is love) sitting on my desk just BEGGING to be watched. Makes me want to abandon everything and just dance and sing my life away.

Don't reckon i'm spending enough time on my dancing, singing or acting... I really feel like i'm not good enough yet. If only they had Full-Time Performing Art schools here (SOTA doesn't count, they still gotta do IB) like they do in the UK or States. That would be a dream come true. Still, I should be able to sacrifice like I used to right? My passions, still there; so are my dreams... Wonder why it's so much harder now. Mmmm.

But for now, my books beckon to me. Sometimes I think I just may be aiming a wee bit too high for my reach but, hey! I've got to keep fighting for everything, no point thinking of failure if I haven't even tried right? Ah.

I'm going in circles. Time to head off this track.

Xxxkim

Blogging on the go...

2010-09-05T17:34:00.001+08:00

For lazy useless idiots like me.
It's been a long weekend and it's only 5.21..
I'm really off my game right now...

I miss bignos who's now got a life in India:(
Greenpig and Biggie are living up their dreams in the industry.
Batman is drinking away in university.
S is in Brown.
& scruffy boy is well, driving round.
Plastics are busy with living and partying up life.
Foo is well, himself
Big G is totally M.I.A

& I need to stop whining...
Seriously.

Sleep I think.

Xxxxkim

Pressed up against the glass

2010-08-31T08:30:00.001+08:00

On a Tuesday morning... Wasn't me but this Angmoh guy in a fancy suit. Taking the train during peak hour is just mind boggling with the rushing and sardine like manners we humans are forced to follow. It's quite nice to watch people trying to squeeze in just to let that extra person onto the train... Afterall, who would like missing the train ( even though the next train comes in 2 min )... It's how we've been brought up really. Everything is a mad rush. I mean, what other time in history would you find people who queued up OVERNIGHT for some audition or even better, HelloKitty?! Haha... We really are a strange society. And I would just like to commend SMRT for turning up the AC in the trains during these periods where I have to be pressed up against some (hopefully) handsome stranger. And can I say that I'm also grateful for the well dressed men who wear cologne. My senses are most definitely quite the happy camper this morning. :)

Well, bottom-line, despite my semi pleasant train-squish this morning, I'm pretty glad it isn't half as rushed on school mornings.. Though I wish smelly school boys would invest in bloody deodorant for after school. I'm just saying.

Happy studying folks!
Shoutout to my lovely friends getting settled into their dorms,

I'm well jealous but definitely PROUD as heck!

Xxxkim

having a social life is toxic.

2010-08-23T00:39:00.000+08:00

David Choi on Saturday. Juniors Showing on Friday.
Some crazy shit Sunday.
Monday morning, Serena flying off to Boston.
About 7 hours to be exact :(

Unwritten work remains a problem with me.
I'm truly progressing at a rate that is befitting a wretched snail.
I find myself losing any sort of cool or sensibility when I have a social life.
I reckon my new resolve is to steer from anything that may resemble one.
Shouldn't be too hard really.

On an entirely irrelevant note,
I think that our humanity is pretty much headed toward destruction cause we'll probably end up killing each other before the environment can truly crumble in on us. And new reports on such things have truly affected me. In addition.. things have been a constant up and down for me. Not that comforting at all...

Downside (Format reminds me of a UN resolution) being that the world is getting more complicated with each damn hour and with the constant behaviour of our race(the human race that is) being to bloody atrocious towards everything else that is not them. It's come to the point that I'm just torn in my beliefs. I really don't know what to think anymore.

And technically, I'm in no position to critique and complain, yet, I feel like I should.
But really, what difference would that make?

Upside, I've discovered Wong Fu Productions along with David Choi on Youtube and I am truly inspired by their passion and dedication. And I've become extremely envious that their lives virtually revolve around what they love. I'm still battling with the notion that I won't even make it to the U! I'm becoming weary of my decisions in life and my true beliefs. I'm worried about trying to sort things in life out, let alone to try change the world. Sometimes I wonder whether I deserve the life I have.

In addition, the topic of love, marriage and settling down has been brought up a fair bit.And it's not exactly all roses and happy thoughts majority of the time. I'm honestly pretty damn negative about all those 3 at this point in time... as a personal thing of course. Not hating on any of it really, just me having the notion that I need to remain.. well, realistic.

Enough rambling.
Don't suppose anyone actually reads this page anymore. ha.
So much going on in my mind, I can barely sleep.

Bring me back to shanghai please?

I find myself done with everything.

xxx kim

storytime.

2010-08-14T23:30:00.002+08:00

Maybe...

It was the expression of THAT ~~empty~~ feeling that had sunk to the bottom of her gut.
The years that had passed seem but just a tangle of memories.
Almost like on repeat: a ~~bad~~ silent movie that draws on the ambiguity of the living.
Lacking any sort of momentum for the change.
Filled with ~~monotonous~~ plots that leaves one aching for something, anything.
The thought of ~~abandoned~~ dreams replaying like a ~~broken~~ record.
~~Forgotten~~, bottled, left aside to simmer.
Decisions.
No more regret or any ounce of sorrow.
Gone is the pure negativity of the inner pains.
But somehow, it seems like something that has become ~~less,~~
~~yet~~ more. At the same time.
Perhaps, it is fear.

That he had ~~already~~ forgotten her.

~~Couples.~~

She needed salvation.

she danced.

Strange day...

2010-07-22T12:55:00.001+08:00

I've got Jason mraz's 'lucky' blasting in my ears right now.. Feeling really out of it today. I just want to sit in a corner with my music and think for hours. But of course I do not have the luxury of such a deed... Though I'd probably end up even more into my funk... Which obviously isn't good.

Why are people so fickle?

I swear being human is so... Frustrating & tiring. Learning about kashmir disputes in history and honestly, i find that my heart shrinks with everyday. The cold facts are truly chilling and infuriating... Yet we are rendered helpless at the end of the day.

The past is irreversable and we just got to live with our mistakes... I find that living pulls me further and futher from anything we would consider 'truth'.. Cause honestly, what the heck is 'real' justified true belief? I don't think anyone will ever find that.

I wish I had enough in me to really see 'Sally' theatre productions through... I don't think I do.

Heck. I don't even think I'll make it pass As in one piece... Not anymore.

GP now. Great... More chaos to dampen an already wet and dreary day...

xxxkim

2010-07-18T21:58:00.001+08:00

Tired. Exhaustion.
Nothing but non-stop failure.

I'm sick & tired.

I give up.

more thinking... again.

2010-07-18T00:48:00.000+08:00

It's like my heart has a mind of it's own.

Finding ways to torture me with such conflicting emotions so much so that I'm unable to function properly. You know how there are those days where you wake up but something is just off... and it's an is unsettling feeling. But you shake it off, thinking: hey! it'll go away! But no. It turns out to be that constant collision course that drives you insane yet, at the end of the day, you can't say much cause any attempts at trying to make sense of it just seems bloody useless.

Well,
That's what the past 3 weeks have been for me...
Day in, day out.
So much as happened & it's got my thinking on over-drive.

I'm truly exhausted.

It's the constant strains of what I've been thinking about... the numerous unanswered questions, the talk that flies around, those pangs of uselessness that drives its fist straight through my gut.

The university question, the looming examinations, the company, the gossips, the crushing of my ambitions & the future. They are like flies that refuse to leave me be and on top of it all... you. You have become one of those things that buzz round my thoughts constantly and though I curse you for doing so, I can't help but hate myself for caring in the first place. It's like my heart is determined to make life difficult for me... I guess, it's now that the real test of endurance really begins.

On a less cryptic note,

Been having horrible recurring headaches and stomach upsets. I don't feel half as alive and I did just a week ago. And that's ironic seeing how I was a hell lot more active during the exams.. I spent majority of my day trying to remain on task but failing. I've got two essays to complete and I really need to get the work done. Perhaps immersing myself into the dreary dungeons of 'studying' will keep my mind off everything else right now.

I am also missing the TSD madness. The constant makeup sessions, the crazy things we did, that special bond that was created from spending so much time together. I miss my pieces, I wish I could perform them again. I miss that feeling of satisfaction when I know I've done my character justice. I really learnt so much from the experience... I wouldn't have changed a second of that entire month. It has ultimately shown me that if I really flunk out of As, there are always alternative career choices available to me: makeup artist, furniture mover, painter, designer.... haha. AND that I should really just get that blasted sex-change.

Wishful thinking kim.

It's funny how after all this time, you still affect me in the weirdest of ways. It's been bugging me...but it's okay. I'm going to just ignore it all, to just shelve it all away. No use holding on to even more negative thoughts. I swear I'm really losing it.

On a totally unrelated note,
I wish Tamim would stop sending me random texts.
It's really getting a bit too creepy for me to handle.

Please make this headache go away with some sleep.
PLEASE.

xxxkim

2010-07-13T21:15:00.000+08:00

fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.fudgecake.
fudgecake. :(

kim is bloody screwed for tsd IS..

sigh.

xxxkim

200

2010-07-10T23:30:00.002+08:00

ha.

Once again.

i FUCKED up.

In conclusion....

2010-07-07T22:57:00.000+08:00

~~DREAMS & ASPIRATIONS~~ do not exist.

It''s about what you love....
....ha.

Don't make me laugh.

This is me resigning myself to the fact of life that's been RUBBED into my face.

Might as well face it now right?

By the way, it's TSD tomorrow.
A levels. pish.

xxxkim

funny.

2010-07-05T22:32:00.000+08:00

wow. half a year already..I really didn't realise how FAST the time has passed. Though, I'm thankful for the past 6 months. I feel stronger.. I don't miss it as much anymore. Sorry guys, a total 'Wtf kim?' moment....hahahaha. My bad.

As you guys probably realised, I have removed the tag board cause it looked so sad that my last comment was from MAY! hahaha. Though I don't blame you guys for not commenting, there isn't much to comment on.

Oh well. :)

Had groups discussion today, then unplanned shopping & dinner with Jas.
I've now got a new skirt and top to match, two new books and a new resolve after this hectic weekend. It's been one heck of a june holiday, really. The amount of TSD things I've been thinking about probably amounts to more than all my theatrical history in VJC. It's a hell load, and despite being DRAINING... I'm so glad for it. Everything this month has been little reminders to what I want to do in the future and why I fell in love with it in the first place. My friends & most respected mentors in 'Full Monty' just solidified everything I feel for it. And that, I am extremely thankful for.

I'm still insanely worried about A levels and all my other subjects.
I have no idea how to cope, & I get the feeling that my teachers have pretty much given up on me.
Not that I really blame them.

I don't know what to put in my T3A; I don't actually have anything much to put. Which is rather depressing.
I don't think : Realising that I'm crap at academics, counts as an achievement.
Dang.

I need some nom-nom time.
And I'm missing a fair share of people at this current point in time, I'm sorry I'm pretty much useless when it comes to keeping in touch. I love you guys so much. :)

My theatre babies, we're almost there. Let's just rock Pymm's world inside out shall we? :)
Let's get out there and just LIVE in those moments, cause honestly, nothing is more glorious than living in those moments... least for me.

SHOUTOUT to: dweeb, my tsd group, my a12 lovers, timo, fa, ian, char, justin, mahesh, lexi, jezzo, brad, serena, sal & andrea
Thanks for being there this whole turbulent month... making sure that I don't lose my smile.
I love you guys. :)
<3

Time to sleep off this FLU shit. :)
xxxxkimmy

nina...

2010-06-30T00:05:00.000+08:00

I feel your anguish & your pain...
but how to move from it?

Is it possible to find that inner strength that you've discovered?
I'm not too sure.

My life is being blurred with the ones that I play in TSD... I'm getting increasingly confused with what I;m feeling. I'm actually feeling side effects of my characters. And the pieces all touch on topics close to my heart which makes me parallel things and juxtapose them... very bad for the mind. and the soul actually...

Bottom line:

I. NEED. TO. STOP. THINKING.... NOW

gah... leave it to kimberlina chan to fuck things up right?
Pish posh.. angst, angst, angst. I apologise.

Now, SLEEP.

xxxxkim

been touching base..

2010-06-29T00:07:00.000+08:00

...with a load of international mates.it's lovely. <3

big queen is back home, and she called me fat...
not that she's much skinnier. ha.
so noisy now. :(

im getting used to the comments, i think.

not having to take my cts is really liberating. :)
strolling into school with my blacks and shorts.
looking at people stress.. heh.

sorry people who have to...
press on. :)

fun fact: my calf just cramped cause i pointed my feet. ouch.

talking to mahesh on skype. crazy dude is SO BUFF now. like what the crap? haha
men... sigh.

xxxkim

tweet tweet

2010-06-27T02:12:00.000+08:00

i've been twittering.
it's slightly addictive.

it's now 2.10 and i'm still awake.
Ran 4 km just now...
and my butt cramped.

Saw acjcs pieces...

I feel the need to work my ass of next week.

FOCUS kim.

xxxkim

so...

2010-06-23T23:00:00.001+08:00

that was the strangest feeling.
seriously, they YELLED & fought over the fan. it was beyond amusing.

On a higher note...

Showing went well (despite icky drama within the drama. hahah).
I'm feeling rather elated... adrenalin rush to the max.
I miss feeling this,
When you feel like you've touched someone with your acting.. it's like my drug.
Thank you Dom.

I think I've discovered a side of Saloma I never felt before...

And, I really like it.

Groups tomorrow. ahhh.
Hang in there folks.

xxxkim

Off day.

2010-06-23T12:35:00.002+08:00

I'm sure we all have them..

Though mine couldnt have come at the worse possible timing with bloody showing tonight. I'm so fuckig worried. Sigh. Now sitting in Ava and my minds in a whirl... Think I should just give this space up right now.

Kim... Snap out of it man!
Don't be a whimp.

Xxxkim

Running like there's no tomorrow...

2010-06-22T20:54:00.001+08:00

It was an amazing feeling. Just music and running.

Nothing else mattered. :)

Hahaha. My feet went numb 2 times though... Think I need to bring my other pair of shoes in from now on. But either then that set back, it was wonderful. :)

everyone should watch 'Full Monty' by the way... SUPPORT LOCAL THEATRE!:) I personally cannot wait to watch it. Sitting in coronation plaza, catchingy coffee fix before I die at rehearsal tonight. Damn... I should start walking over now..

Toodles my dear.
Running puts me in a better mood.

<3
xxxkim

My childhood. :)

2010-06-22T07:30:00.001+08:00

It's been awhile since anything has been able to get me in this state of utter hoy, sadness, euphoria, fear and excitement that has gotten me squealing and screaming on the edge of my seat for the whole 103 min.

That is the beautiful rollar coaster ride that Pixer's 'Toy Story 3' brought me on and boy, was it FABULOUS.

sigh. If only such feelings could last a lifetime..

That would be a dream come true.

And I am marrying Andy suckers. :)

<3 xxxkim

188 to blog about grandad's 80th...

2010-06-20T23:43:00.000+08:00

... how fitting.

It's was a strange event. Only got remotely interesting when then Ice wine was served.
Was stuck in a dress cause my gran insisted I'd wear it, it's nice and all but problem...

...it was bought 2 years ago.
And kim has an ANNOYING chest that won't stop bloody expanding.
Trust me, I would give them to you if I could. Seriously.

So, you can imagine I wasn't too comfortable tonight.. I'm so glad to be back in my t-shirt and boxers, curled up in bed, typing this post. My 3 songs were rubbish tonight and the emcee-ing was even worse than NNSN. Seriously didn't know what was wrong with me. But least it's tonight and not friday's. Or the showings that are coming up. I'm going slightly crazy from everything to be honest. Plus, the 3 history essays that I should REALLY REALLY write. I'm just... tired. I want 2 days to vegetate off too you know? but no, the price of a tsd student I suppose.

gah. I'm really not in the mood.
I feel pathetic blogging like this..

Don't you get the feeling that no one listens,
like, really listens, anymore?

Goodnight world.

xxxxkim

touching bases here.....

2010-06-19T17:49:00.000+08:00

I'm sorta back for a while.
Been missing this space quite a bit to be honest. I'm currently blogging on the new/old Iphone my dad has passed on to me. I totally killed two of my ct papers and also implusively chopped my fringe into bangs. Sigh. Kim you need to stop being impulsive... It's totally fucking me over.

On a higher note, I'm really liking our group piece and the amount of depth you can find in the piece. I'm really quite proud but there's still a lot to be done so we still need to persevere on.

I'm currently sat at the suntec starbucks sipping ony grande rasberry blackcurrent frappé. It's pretty damn amazing. Part of me wants to trudge down to esplanade to do somemore reading. Been spending considerable amounts of time there recently... Books make pretty good companions as well I realised. I know I should be just reading prescribed texts and studying but I've been caught in the whirlwind of tsd and i feel hooked, I'm utterly in love with it. It's this thirst for knowledge I haven't felt in an incredibly long time. On top of all of that, I'm still singing quite a fair bit so I'm not a total gone case.

Oh. Marching men in uniform and guns, how yummy.

Frustrating how everything right now is not going according to plan. And I've just been reminded this past two weeks the reason why I chose to bottle up my crap. I'm greatful for knowing you but somehow... I don't know what to make of it even though I'm smiling a lot more.

Kim, you need to just disappear, you're becoming nothing bit a nuisance to everyone. Seriously... Sometimes I want to tell myself to F- off.

Study hard my darlings.
Xxxxkim

kimberlina calls this...

2010-06-06T22:06:00.000+08:00

AN INDEFINITE HIATUS.

until such time that she's able to get a proper study schedule out....
and she sorts out the problem on the sides.

but till then, adieu blogger.

By the way...
Today was really nice. really. :)

xxxxxxxkim

somethings you can't control..

2010-06-06T09:59:00.002+08:00

but it's no excuse.

but the past... it'll pass. eventually.

dancing and hanging out with mates has been awsome on top of the studying.
though i'm royally screwed for ct2s.

xxxkim

Sigh

2010-06-02T00:38:00.002+08:00

dont feel too well,

but i've been studying like crazy.

ct2 are coming closer and closer.

rawr.

righttyy-hoooo.

2010-05-29T01:32:00.000+08:00

I have succumbed myself to peer pressure and now I am in possession of both a twitter account & formspring.

Goodness kim, what have you got yourself into now?

I'm craving a good night's sleep and an ENORMOUS hug.
But on a good note, I have uploaded all my pictures on facebook....
over 500 photos into about 10 albums. I am extremely proud of all the pictures I took.

On an awful note,
I need to sleep properly and I need to study some more.
I also need to be extremely weary of my temper.
My lack of proper sleep is affecting the way I react to everyone around me.

rawr.
anyway,
tweets & formspring are linked on the side if you're interested.

<3 xxxxkim

i don't care if i'm sad...

2010-05-27T13:12:00.001+08:00

cause I'm in love with his voice.

listening to him is like an escape.

on top of everything he was right about...
he was right after all this,
music,
can really heal everything.

xxxkim

Kings Of Leon - Use Somebody (Tyler Ward Acoustic Cover)

I'm being unproductive.

2010-05-27T11:32:00.000+08:00

It's beautiful.
Somethings in life right now,

we gotta treasure more.
Yesterday taught me that.

Tell that friend next to you how much you love them,
cause everyone deserves to feel love.

xxxkim

Tyler Ward ft Krista Nicole

feeling a bit like nom nom right now.

2010-05-25T22:57:00.000+08:00

I wanna roll up into a ball and tumble out of existence.

Any idea anyone? :(

Sigh.

xxxkim

listening to...

2010-05-25T13:11:00.002+08:00

Sophie Madeleine again.
Some thing about her voice makes me happy.

totally love her cover of Being Around. :)

If I was in the fridge, would you open the door?
If I was the grass, would you mow your lawn?
If I was your body, would you still wear clothes?
If I was a booger, would you blow your nose?
Would you keep it? Would you eat it?
I'm just tryin to give myself a reason, for being around.

If I was the front porch swing would you let me hang?
If I was the dance floor would you shake your thing?
If I was a rubber check would you let me bounce
Up and down inside your bank account?
Would ya trust me, not to break you?
I'm just tryin really hard to make you,
notice me being around.

If I was a haircut would you wear a hat?
If I was a maid, could I clean your flat?
If I was the carpet would ya wipe your feet,
In time to save me from mud off the street?
If you like me, if you love me,
why don't you get down on your knees
and scrub me?
I'm a little grubby
From being around.

Cause really, this is the most appropriate of songs while I'm reading up about Arab-Israeli conflicts.. Definitely. OKAY.

My study buddies are here. :D
<3 starbucks at marina with jared, deeb, jas

:) xxxkim
xxxxxxx

4.16 am

2010-05-23T04:19:00.002+08:00

you'd think that at 4.16 am id feel some sort of exhaustion...

...but i don't.

i think i need another crying inducing movie.
hopefully that'll wear me out.

hope you're tucked in snug under your covers,
far away in lala-land,
dreaming and believing in a better day.
somewhere far away from here.

xxxkim.

whip it.

2010-05-23T01:28:00.001+08:00

OMG.

Oliver is the sex.

<3

I think i might just need to get a life.
TSD kids, let's hit the beach soon please?

xxxkim

bummer. too many posts I reckon.

2010-05-23T00:03:00.000+08:00

large amounts of pressure.I've caved in to.
no more nonsense kim.

it's for your own good.
cause we gotta sacrifice certain things in order to fulfil our dreams.

and I know what's got to go.
so,

I'll make it happen.

xxxx kim

hmm.

2010-05-22T19:26:00.001+08:00

Okay, so you yelled at me across the dinner table.
I hope you feel better now.

I have come to the strange realisation that every time I find some good piece of literature or theatre to digest, something goes wrong.

But to be honest, I don't give a damn because, I get to experience a whole load of other things on top of the anguish and annoyance I feel from them. And when that happens, I really isn't as bad as it seems cause I'm riding on the euphoria of doing my work and everything else. What I depend on to keep going right now? It's my love for theatre and the smaller things in life. Those moments of undiluted happiness from discovering something wonderful. The positive moments of each day, and the happy seconds of each hour. I'm struggling to be someone I can love and live with. I'm struggling with myself. And as angst-filled and awful (not to mention cringe-worthy) as I make my life out to be, I really don't want to care about what anyone else thinks about it... They don't want to bother understanding plus, it shouldn't matter at this point in time.

Warning: rant ahead that is semi-relevant to what's been previously posted.

I don't look like I'm doing anything for my A levels sis?
You talk as if you know what's going on. You don't even ask...

How the hell would you know?

Look, I'm the one who bloody follows you on your retail therapy, when you feel like shit in school and need someone to rant to, I'm always bloody there. It wouldn't kill you to stop judging me like gran does... And be there for me too. Scoffing at me when I had my breakup, rolling your eyes at me when I tell you what's happening in school, disliking my friends instantly, fuck man. I don't do that shit to you. I was there every damn time you felt down. We are entirely different people but how is it that when I need you to be there, you can't be that sister to just hold me in your arms and tell me it'll be okay? Is it really that hard to be just a little bit more accommodating to my feelings once in a while?

After all, we actually spend time together. I thought: surely jie should understand a bit more than them?
Cause really, it's not what you say that burns me, it's more of the fact that you really just don't want to understand or move out of your bubble that is "your way of dealing with things". Your whole attitude of: If you don't like the way I do it, screw you cause I don't care, can only get you so far with people.

So, no, I really don't take your words into account... Not at this point, because as awful as my TONE may be, at least I show that I care. Cause if i died tomorrow, I can safely say that even though I wasn't the most active player in this family, I was the one who bothered to pull everything in. That I truly and honestly love you as my sister and that I would do anything to make sure that you're happy. I just wish you would do the same for me.

Like mum said,
Take it as a practice tool for the future. After all, you will be criticised....
Plus,Jie is very different, she's very emotional, she just acts strong...
yadda yadda yadda.

I'm sick of hearing that cause obviously, I know that,
but it doesn't make it right.
You're not the older sister I can look up to for support and love. Cause it's days like these when I wonder if you even want me in this family. Cause I've been riding on this path of negativity and what I show you at home, is entirely different from what I'm feeling.You of all people should know that is like.

I'm numb from all of this now.
Your yelling,
Your O.C.D nature.

It's nothing now.
And that's what I truly believe.

Funniest things is,

I can't stop loving you,
shit.

xxxkim

the red backdrop.

2010-05-22T08:28:00.000+08:00

It's growing on me.

I gotta leave for school in a couple of moments but I thought I'd just post a little something before I head off.
Last night's 'sleep' was far from peaceful, and it comes to me as not much of a shock. It's been hectic recently and I can only anticipate that it will get worse. I'm currently at a loss of what to do to be honest but even so, I know somehow, I'll find some messed up way of pulling through. Always seem to.

This time of month always pulls out an enormous mountain of "what-ifs"... these turbulent bastards seem to be able to break through my high walls of protection, having me to start all over again at square one by the 24th. It's altogether exhausting and frustrating. But, in some, sick and twisted of ways, I find slight joy in the moments after this period where I feel a little stronger, a little older. I feel that I know myself a little bit more.

This JC thing is like the ultimate roller-coaster ride.
Heck, I know it would give that awesome one at Genting a run for it's money.
:) time to head off.

I've been slightly inspired. :)
TSD Practicals and CT2s coming up.

Like Nike says:

Just do it!

xxxxkim

it's not goodbye.

2010-05-21T19:48:00.000+08:00

Today was heart-wrenching.

On so many bloody levels. But it's okay, cause life goes on, and eventually, things will get better.

I can only hope that that is true.
I buggered up my ankle with rehearsal again, was agony when the painkillers wore off. But it was the ultimate experience being back in the studio again with all the other dancers. Almost felt like home again, almost. Still, I'm growing up (as much as I don't want to), and I'm noticing things I never did... And I have to admit, it totally and utterly burns. I swear ignorance is truly bliss.

On a higher note, our soccer boys put up a terrific fight yesterday and they truly played wonderfully. I was amazed at the skill and the passion behind the game. Definitely worth the time spent on it. I also managed to get a couple of good shots in. Made me wonder if I should take up photography at some point. hahaha. Will post one of the photos at the end of this post. :)

Like Vino was complaining, I feel extremely unsettled. especially the past couple of days. It's been an absolute nightmare. Like a whole bunch of thoughts and feelings that refuse to let itself be solved. It's a bummer. Least it's the break now: Maybe I'll be able to catch up on the things I've been intending too.

I really hope so.

I know how we're not supposed to judge a book by it's cover but,
we're human; and we just can't help it.

xxxkim.

I am apologising in advance.

2010-05-19T21:34:00.002+08:00

Cause seriously,
If I had to use one word to comment about today... it'd be:

~~shit.~~ fuck.

Honestly, it was pretty darn messed up and awful waste of my time.
I felt awful and really restless. I mean, yes, being with the j1 dancers and helping them made my day but something was terribly off and I felt out of sorts. To be honest, I still do. I really want this feeling to corrode away, or just vanish! I don't know, I feel completely fucked over. I'm sorry for the crude language. Not that it's the first time, but I actually feel like apologising for it today. My swearing I mean. Which brings me to my next point... I'm NOTHING like her. and I really do not wish to be compared to her. It's ridiculous and just unnecessary. Honestly, it makes me upset and I end up thinking about shit I thought didn't matter anymore. And it still doesn't, but it just sucks. I really hope this is not another round of my crap again.. It can't be. I cannot afford this. It's too draining, too painful.

I need to snap out of it.
Now.

I think I need a hug..

Sigh.

xxxkim

hello hello mister one-seven-oh!

2010-05-18T22:29:00.001+08:00

okay.

so, my CC is on it's way to Mr. Pymm,
and I had a pretty darn useless day in school.
Cancelled tutorial, sleepy math session, book binding and mucking round Day.

But in return,
I had the most fabulous, fulfilling 4 hour session with dweebles
(ha. how i have missed you. (: )
and I've returned majority of my library books at MPL. Next thing I've got to do, is pay off ALL the wonderful outstanding fines. I'm really having problems managing my money this year. NO MORE CABBING KIM. it burns HOLES in your already hole-y pockets. damn.

today was nothing short of eventful and extremely cheerful for me.
From the pathetic turn out at assembly...
to just sophie feeding me yummy fruit pastilles things in math,
I was on cloud-9!
Today was strange on soooo many levels but hey! I'm definitely not complaining one bit.
My love goes out to all the people I've been neglecting lately due to school and all the insanities of "Estrellas". You guys are my beacons of light and I cannot thank you enough.

It's only the beginning...

SO LET'S PRESS ON!

Afterall,

expect the unexpected and you'll never be surprised.

Don't worry,

sometimes,

I wonder about myself too.

Math then sleep. :D

xxxx kimmy :)

OMG (times 100000000000)

2010-05-18T12:57:00.000+08:00

We're handing over the CCs.

It's 6 months worth of hard work...
Slogging away at this document that is 15% of our A level grade.

Now it's time to move on...

WOOOOO.

I'm just so bloody glad.

xxxkim congrats my tsd babies.

You guys ROCK my world. :D

it's pouring...

2010-05-17T03:06:00.000+08:00

My TV is set to Sony Entertainment...
And it's the 1st season of Grey's up... to be honest. It seems entirely to long ago that I was watching it for the first time. My dog ATE the soles of my fave jazz shoes. My exco is meeting new exco and I can't make it. and I RAN from marina to esplanade taxi stand (VIA annoying crowded underground) barefooted.. and smashed my ankle against the damn speed bump cause it was WET. AND I SLIPPED.

it's 3.05 and I'm STILL CC-ing.... this totally kills.
Someone make my already shitty week better please?

:(

time to fess up.

2010-05-16T20:32:00.001+08:00

some people just brush it off as: it's complicated.
but honestly, what would life be if it weren't.

Queen just left me for lovely home... And I'm probably about 3 hours away from really completing my CC. Though I'm quite happy with everything I've settled so far. Thank goodness for long breaks on Mondays. Don't know what I'd do without them. I'm sorta going to miss all of this research nonsense, it's really nice to have that excuse to spend hours locked away in Esplanade library reading about things I'm actually interested in. It has reignited my love for theatre all over again and I'm glad for that.

There's about 3 weeks left to CT2 and I'm almost positive that I won't so well. but, that doesn't mean I won't stop trying. I need to keep my Mojo going. I'm starting to get the writing-bug again so hopefully it means I will be catching up on all the missing essays. I really need this to go well. And I'm just glad for today, it's opened my eyes to the many things I've be shoving under the rug.

It's time to face up kim.
Shoutout to BOB, Queen, Nom & Jas.
You guys have been class.

Love xxxxkim

starbucks with victoria

2010-05-16T11:39:00.001+08:00

I'm Critical Commenting.

Victoria Chan is bloody annoying. she won't let me do my own 'cc-ing'.... Major pouts from me right now.

KIMBERLINA DUMPLING YOU'RE A SHALLOW BITCH. Can your dyslexic self please help me with fucking Perf Theory nowwwww.

Okay people.. the Queen calls.
More later.

But btw,
some guys need to have better taste.
Seriously, It's disgusting.

I can't wait for some Shanghai nights. :) :) :)

xxxx kim

wow wee...

2010-05-12T16:23:00.000+08:00

Been a while... and I really do apologise for the lack of updates on this space.

It's been insanely crazy in school right now with CC due in about 5 days, I'm pretty much sitting by myself in AVA listening to some music and trying to get back into the mood. It's painful. I actually feel myself getting sicker with each day(both physically and mentally). And do you know what's worse than shit happening at one go? Shit occuring one after the other... that's the real skank and it's really been taking a toll on me.

I need to start a whole bunch of Countdowns,
A levels are coming soon, and my CT2s are in 3 weeks
Alevels. TSD. Alevels. TSD... gah kim. you need to get a hold of yourself.

I NEED TO PASS CT2s, desperately.

Dance concert was amazing and I'm so glad for the bunch of dancers in my item, the girls were the highlights of my week. The crazy white monstrosity that we had to deal with and the non-stop problems that seem to follow our concert. It's pretty much simmered down, in which I am desperately thankful for. My ankle however is beyond BLAH... and I still have one more project to deal with! Bugger.

Everything else that's happened so far hasn't been eventful enough for me to comment on so....
I reckon I should go get some Milo and get working on my CC.

5 more days my tsd babies.
Let's do it.
<3

xxxxkim

starbucks with az

2010-05-02T16:55:00.000+08:00

Orchard Liat Towers :)

it's freezing and studying is proving... hmmm.

love you babyy.

Will blog about Dramanight soon. :)

xxxx

just an update.

2010-04-29T01:03:00.000+08:00

it's something i shouldn't be thinking about right now

but the past is biting me in the rear

and I can't say it's an overall satisfying experience.

But on a higher note, MY CHOREO WAS COMPLETED TODAY.
Concert is next week... I'm nervous as HELL. Still so much left to be done.
My days are blurring into each other. I can barely tell if i eat or sleep enough anymore. I don't think I have time to worry about that to be honest. I'm trying to juggle work, and to not kill my ankle further. I need to take the damn ankle guard of by Sat. I need to dance. There is a lot to be done at 12.48 in the morning.

I need music.
And I need to find the strength to keep holding on.
I don't know.

CC time. :( ~~kill me.~~

On a side note:

Happy Birthday Miss Valerie Choo. <3

still

2010-04-20T16:25:00.000+08:00

I feel like crap.
Meds really haven't helped much & I can't seem to want to do anything but sleep cause of the awful drowsy medication. :(

NEED TO DO WORK DAMN IT.

kimxxx

Live your day as if it were your last.

2010-04-16T11:16:00.000+08:00

If i died today,

I wouldn't be drastically unhappy but it would ultimately still be unsatisfying cause I have so much more I want out of my life. Despite that, I think it's so important to make ourselves accept the cruelties in life and try to live every moment to it's fullest. As a human being, there's a lot for us to do. Many decisions, many obligations, it's a spiral of never-ending possibilities.

My ankles been wonky, BUT I DID A TRIPLE TURN, FOUR TIMES. Totally worth it. And I did well for PW and i'm relieved and glad. It's the result of hard work and I'm so happy for my group. You guys really deserved it. Thank you for being a part of that torturous journey. Couldn't have done it without you guys. I love you lot.

Today has been filled with laughs and smiles as well as tears and sorrow. But I'm just so glad to know that no matter what A12 will be there every step of the way. I think that's more than anyone could ask for, one of the best support systems in the world.

Shoutout to Val, Van, Jas, Cat:
I love you girls so much, and whatever you need, I'll be here every step of the way.
<3

We'll all pull through, we just gotta. :)

I'm sad but glad for all the nonsense i've had to go through so far.
It's made me see a lot of things differently,
And now I have learnt to appreciate things more, not to take things for granted.
I've learnt more about others and myself.
I think I'll be happier living my life that way.

Salimah,You smelly girl eating fruits behind me, thank you for never abandoning me.
Vic Chan, Boy, can you make me SMILE. hahaha. Retarded bum.
Azrina,You know I'll still love you no matter what.
Adeeb,Jia You okay babe? Our Esplanade sessions ftw.
Nom nom, You are bloody amazing and inspirational, you make my days.
Nat, Thank you for the constant indulgence and the IPHONE madness. I love you babe.
Timo,For putting up with my nonsensical behavior and smile no matter what.
Rachel Wong,For being able to make me feel better in the strangest, most subtle of ways. You rock babe.
Rasy,For the darling book and being that rock I can always lean on.
Shanna, For just being you babe, you remind me of my duties and priorities and I cannot thank you enough.
Van,For making me smile with your BAMBI eyes.
Len, for ALWAYS being there... I'm forever grateful.
Jas, the music, your spirit and your insanity: it makes my day. Plus our awesome HTHs :)
Cat, for always opening your home, and being such a sweetheart in everything.
Sophie, for the non-stop support and insane literary insight.

Thank you guys. (Sorry if I've left anyone out!)

<3
So three cheers to the life we've been given.
Let's not let it go to waste.

xxxxkim

at 5 am in the morning....

2010-04-14T05:13:00.003+08:00

shut the fuck up grandmum.
i really dislike you right now.

I want my own damn room.

Please excuse my profanities but...

my day has already started out shit.

She's So Lovely

2010-04-12T00:24:00.001+08:00

I love the way she fills her clothes
She looks just like them girls in Vogue
I love the way she plays it cool
I think that she is beautiful..

She's so lovely,
She's so lovely,
She's so lovely,
She's so lovely [x2]

She's pretty
A fitty
She's got a boyfriend though and that's a pity
She's flirty
Turned thirty
AInt that the age a girl get really dirty?

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
How we'll make it through this [x2]

<3

The song is running through my head.

Night my darlings.

May we survive this HEAT :(

xxx kim

YUM.

2010-04-10T22:23:00.001+08:00

Seriously,

How can anyone go wrong with chicken, diced tomatoes, onions and eggs with a dash of salt, pepper, and rubbed sage. Of course not forgetting that pinch of rosemary to top it off and once it's hot off the stove, sprinkled generously with cheese.

OKAY. Ego-centric moment: I think it tastes amazing, and I miss cooking for people.
as much as I miss flamenco.

It;s been a while but posing under the lights for that time, it felt wonderful.
I really miss that. The photo shoot today was just ooodles of fun :)
Hopefully one day I'll get a full shoot and love the pictures in it. hahaha.

LOSE WEIGHT KIM.

but mmmm...
these eggs are so damn good.
I should go to culinary school someday.

<3
xxxxkim

Late shoutout to MISS VICTORIA CHAN...

AKA: The queen.

I actually enjoy indulging you with the massages and feeding you and letting you do weird scratch-y things on me.. though it is slightly retarded on your part. :P
And sorry, no seaweed, Daddy didn't go to Korea. hahahaha.
I shall cook you pasta one of these days for lunch my dear.
<3
You have the biggest of hearts Queen Bee,
and as annoying as your..

"KIMBYYYYYYY, where's my da-DDYYYYYYYYYY?" (times 1000000000000000)

Victoria then proceeds to grab onto Kimberly's bag and shakes her as if to throw a little-kid tantrum...
in a non-retarded, fashionable, non-bratty way of course. (I wish. :P)

is, I still love you for everything that you are.
You deserve the happiness in the world on your special year that is 2010.
We shall party after the bitch/ Alevels have been past us.
Then, we can finally go look at DECENT eye candy.
haha. But seriously babe. You whine a lot.
Haha. I've been so greatful for our "not strange at all" friendship cause seriously,
We totally rock.

<3
I love you, Victoria Chan.

Happy 18th Darling. :)

You're Legal Bitch. xx

bollocks.

2010-04-09T23:12:00.000+08:00

Throbbing ankle,
Piles of work,
Exhaustion,
Friends,
Fear,
Change,
Adapting,
Responsibilities,
Crafting dances.

It just cancels out my good news.
I really dislike a lot of things at the current moment.

I can't believe what had just happened.
I'm going to sleep now.
Absolutely no mood for anything. :(

xxxxkim

my 6th of april. bummer.

2010-04-06T23:11:00.000+08:00

The whole day in general was off for everyone...and I wasn't an exception to that.
The night was busy and flustering but I'm done.

I'm finally done.

I felt nothing.

No 'butterflies', no 'gushing' moment;
I realised how I had been in love with the you from 6 months ago..
.. and not you now. The you now, may have a better body but...

I loved the old sweetheart manner and a lot of your traits that you used to possess.
Those were the things that made me love you,
that really completed me but tonight i really saw how it's gone,
and so have my affections for you. Friends, I can probably do.
I don't mind.

No malice in my post here yeah?
Like I once said,
The truth is never pretty.

So many things look so petty now that I think of it.
Sucks being the hormonal femal dog of the situation really. haha.
The past is the past now.
I'm looking forward, to what ever that might be ahead of me...
(even though it's pretty damn bleak.)

But seriously,
boys,
treat your girls well...
Love them with your every fibre
and shower them with the respect they deserve.
For goodness sake,
don't take them for granted!

No one deserves to be hurt.
No one.

Goodnight :)

xxxkim

my non sequitor of the day.

2010-04-05T14:31:00.000+08:00

there are just somethings in life you got to move on with.

and as hard as it is,
it's the bittercold truth.

it cuts me to the core and it chills me to the bone
to even try imagine doing all of that alone.

I have to.
I really must.

Lord, I don't ask for much.
Please give me the strength to get through this task.
Please.

gosh kim..

2010-04-04T12:35:00.001+08:00

.. you'd think by the age of bloody 17 you would learn to

STOP PICKING AT YOUR SCABS!

:( ouch. I'm so moronic. Seriously. I woke up in the morning (feeling like P Diddy. ) with blood down my leg... and I realised I had completely ripped the skin of my wound... WHILST ASLEEP. It was totally gross but now I have some cheesy Starwars sticker on my leg, which doesn't look cool one bit :(

Friday with Az was fabulous(totally loved "500 Days of Summer") & the night coffee with Lennart just gave the perfect ending to my day-off. Yesterday was crazy with Semis, which I didn't get through btw. A bit 'pai seh' actually but as Ed said, it was all in good fun for us. :) Least we know we tried. I'm just going to post some pictures up,

not really in much of a mood to write much.
<3

and yes, I did cut my hair. (:

xxxxkim

just a little mail for you.

2010-04-01T23:46:00.000+08:00

Just recieved this....

Dear Kimberly Chan,

Thank you for attending the Education UK Exhibition 2010. Your registration details have been randomly selected, and we’re pleased to inform you that you have won a pair of movie passes, valid on any day and at all Cathay cinemas in Singapore. Congratulations!

Please reply to this email, indicating a date and time you would like to collect your prize from our office at 30 Napier Road (the full address is below). Our office is open from Monday to Friday, 9am-5pm. You will need to produce proof of identity when you come to claim your prize.

If for any reason you are unable to collect your prize personally, you may nominate a person to collect the prize on your behalf. Alternatively, you may choose for us to send the prize to your mailing address, in which case please provide your address. However, kindly note that the prize will be sent by ordinary post, and the British Council will not be liable for any loss or damage.

All prizes must be collected by Friday, 30 April 2010.

Thank you and we look forward to hearing from you shortly.

Kind regards,

Ong Shei Ren

Should I be worried that this was sent on April Fool's? hahaha.
Funny how I should have won tickets cause at the fair...the only school that had any relevance to what I want to do is Laselle. I really wasn't all that in to the whole medical/law/business route. I'm throughly amused.

Today was once again filled with huge magnitudes of bloody ups and downs. Though the ups with A12 were pretty darn awesome. From the 'gang-bang' in the tent to Dead Poets Society to just being stupid at assembly, I love you guys. The downs, I'm not even going to bother.. but I'm just so greatful for my friends right now. Especially the crazy vjsg who make my miserable nights better by making me smile even though they totally stink after training. :)

I haven't been saying it much but guys,

I love you,
& thank you.

xxxkim

It's so strange but...

2010-04-01T00:02:00.000+08:00

I went in to a mild panic attack when I thought I had lost Hobbles.
I don't know what I'd do if I really did though.
Especially after reading that this evening.
(cues sighs)

I can already hear Sal's voice going :

STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.

I mean. It just sucks.. really.

Happy April Fools people.
Watch your backs yeah? ha.

xxxkim

ew. tic. :(

2010-03-29T22:09:00.000+08:00

~~I just extracted a tic from my dog's coat,~~

~~Bloody weather has made him pick up a whole load of gross stuff from his walks.~~
~~I squished it and got blood over my fingers.~~
~~So gross.~~

On a higher note...
I love a12 and the lovely notes on my yearbook. :)

I still feel lost and really low at the moment.
It's going to take a while to get back up.
But till then,
I just gotta deal with looking haggard. :(

Sigh,
I guess, some things in life we can ignore,
but this,
it's just undeniably rude.

But on a brighter note.
I've started to notice some extremely beautiful smiles around school that I never really noticed before.
It warms my heart. Really does. I love it. :)

Shoutout to my dearest Rasyiqah... Thank you for the book. It really changed they way I think.
Shoutout to my dearest LODI counterparts... spending time with you guys was like a breath of FRESH air on Sunday night. I've missed you guys.
Shoutout to 09A12, for being the most darling class a girl could ever ask for.
Shoutout to the people who made my 2009 possible.

~~It's time to really clean out that closet kim,~~
~~It's tough but I think after last night's message,~~
~~It's proof that you really have to.~~

And Happy Birthday to Charlotte Then,
2010 marks 7 years of being best mates.
I'm so sorry I couldn't be with you to celebrate your 18th.
Nonetheless, I wish you all the love and joy in the world my darling.
You deserve it after everything you've been through.
And I can't believe you're going to Canada for uni now.
WE STILL NEED TO TRAVEL SPAIN.
I haven't forgotten.
I miss those random Alvin/Tim Hung moments of Sec1 days.
Or the crazy I<3Shanghai night for your 16th.
We've been through one heck of a lot of things,
boys(ALOT OF BOYS), fights, family but in the end,
We end up alright. :)
Here's to a future filled with love, MEN, and more beautiful memories to come.
I look forward to it.
<3

I love you my darling.
Happy Birthday Doll. :)

xxxkim

there's a lot going on.

2010-03-27T13:26:00.000+08:00

I don't know where to start.

But one thing is for sure, this week has been crazy.

xxxkim

kim loves...

2010-03-22T21:01:00.000+08:00

the fact that when her daddy goes outta town,

she practically lives in his study on a mattress.
ALMOST as if she has her own room!

Brilliant stuff I say. :)
I really do have crappy vocabulary.

Kim, you will not swear excessively tomorrow.
:) Please and thank you.

<3

Ohhhh. MORE good news. I'm down to 64 :D

xxxkim